Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
