i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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