HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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