Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
