Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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