Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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