if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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