does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize