...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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