Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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