i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
