I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
