he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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