Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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