genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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