...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
