I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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