TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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