And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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