Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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