Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Houston, we have a blender
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
