I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize