Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
