So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
