You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
