So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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