now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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