The brown eye won't let me do that either.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
