So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
