My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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