just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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