you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize