I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
