if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
