Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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