I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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