Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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