i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
