I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
