if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
