just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need to sanitize my soul.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
