I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
