Need sex. Gaining weight.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
