WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
