Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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