just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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