So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
