He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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