Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
