It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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