First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
