I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
