can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
