Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize