Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize