we're chasing vodka with high fives
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
