Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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