Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I understand Curling. That high.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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