Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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