My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
