id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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