Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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