im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
