Who wears a wallet chain?!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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