I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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