When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
