I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
